Reports from all parts of the kingdom have been increasing- Miner's Syndrome is
indeed on the rise. I spoke to the Varrock apothecary who, in conjunction with
Elena of Ardougne, has been trying to combat the spread of this ailment and also
find a cure.
That day his office was jammed with patients: some had come voluntarily, others
had been chided into going for their own good. I spoke with one of them, a
typical looking miner who for this interview I call 'Miner X'. Although you may
know him as PS6000, and he mines near Varrock on weekends.
I tried many times to get him to answer me before he finally spoke--
Frank: What made you come here?
Miner X: Well, it started because I had miner's elbow. then I guess, it
turned out that- well, it was something more serious I guess.
Frank: Miner's elbow?
Miner X: It’s like a constant, throbbing pain- sometimes calluses develop
too.. A lot of miner’s get it eventually, you know- it comes from elbowing
others out of the way to get at the coal.
Frank: I see...
Just then the apothecary found time to show me around. Since it was only a room,
that didn’t take long; but he pointed out some of the other symptoms which Miner
X hadn’t mentioned.
‘Look at this one here-- hello! Can you hear me?’
This patient this time was richly dressed-- a dragon ammy, and white party hat
perched atop her head. She didn’t seem to notice the doctor at all; he got in
closer and bade me listen-- under her breathe she chanted a litany of math, and
the rest of her was vacant to the world.
The sad part was, she couldn’t have been more than lvl 20.
‘It's a terrible thing,' the apothecary told me 'and it's only getting worse.
For years the kingdom has depended on mining and smithing- you know it, your
readers know it- even the Duke in Lumbridge knows it.
‘But now so many people are in the mining game.. You know, they used to say
'tired as a miner'- but nowadays this overwhelming part of the economy has
changed even how you and I rest and sleep!’
The interview was disturbed at this point when some of the patients became
agitated-- the waiting room was so crowded, some of the miners demanded others
switch to another waiting room. Shouts of ‘I was here first’ went up. But,
unlike the world that had so consumed them, now there was no where left for them
to go.
This time, there would be no other waiting room.
Calm was restored and my interview continued:.
‘It may begin quite innocently’ the apothecary explained ‘with gold fever.
For others it starts with miner's elbow, which usually accompanies bruising of
the ribs. When it progresses a certain level of frustration, many sensibly leave
the path they are on at that point and are spared.
‘But those who persist experience an unreasoning irritability- as you have just
seen exampled.’
‘Quite.’
‘And in the mines these symptoms increase: there's a reluctance to speak when
addressed; an almost catatonic unresponsiveness; sensitivity to light may occur;
not being able to understand humor or jokes is a good warning sign. Look here--’
the apothecary turned to crowd of patients:
‘Do any of you know how to catch a unique rabbit?’
The only answer was silence.
‘U- nique up on him.’ the doctor revealed.
Again, not a sound returned. A few even seemed upset by the answer.
The doctor sighed sadly.
‘Well,’ he tried again ‘do any of you know how to catch a tame rabbit?’
No one spoke.
‘The tame way.’
Some of the miners looked psoitively angry now.
‘In advanced stages you may see those stricken obsessively asking people their
levels.
‘Others maintain they don't have a problem, that they can stop any
time... So instead of mining, they spend a fortune on ore certs. You may see
them wandering the streets, lost in endless calculations of ore, time, and
money.’
‘What can be done?’
‘Well, the first step is to get the miner to admit they have a problem. Then
with patience and therapy, to change their ways-- get them to see there are
other things in life-- beauty to enjoy, and friends to make, pies to be made,
and lessers to kill. The rest is up to the patient really.’
‘Thank you for your time- is there any last thought you'd like to the reader of
the Slaughter Daily with?’
‘You can tell your readers from myself- and Elena is in accord with me on this-
that this is a serious problem that won’t simply go away with updates. What
we're doing here is for the good of all. And consider this: we don't want the
next generation of citizens to grow up wanting nothing more than getting a lump
of coal in their stocking at Christmas- do we?’
‘Err, no, I'm sure we don't. Thank you for your time, doctor.’
‘Oh, I'm not a doctor.’*
Any reader who thinks they may need treatment can visit the Varrock
Apothecary free of charge during normal business hours. Please do not
bring your pick.
Back to Contents!
|