The Duke's only job seems to be giving away free shields. What does this paltry fellow have to say about himself and his dismal hamlet, visited only by the spawning and respwaning?

Scandal in Lumbridge

Exclusive interview with the Duke of Lumbridge by Redrum Frank for the Varrock Slaughter Daily

  People have been noticing for a while now that there’s not much to do in Lumbridge. Some cynics say there never was, but I thought I’d discuss the matter with the Duke himself.

While touring the castle, I couldn’t help noticing the lack of guards, the men roaming the grounds unchallenged, the empty halls of power; and I was shocked to find, in the basement, the palace treasure chests wide open and empty! My suspicions aroused, here are the interviews that followed.
     
                Daily- Good evening sir-
                “Please, please, just call me Duke.”
                Daily- So how are things in Lumbridge?
                “Couldn’t be better! Do you know, more people visit here first than any other town in the land? We have some of the most historic spots in either Misthalin or Asgarnia!”
                Daily- Traveling the footpath between here and Draynor, I noticed a vacant building- what did happen to the curio shop?
                “Eerm, we also have a very historic old church!”
                Daily- I was wondering about that- where is Father Urnhey anyway? I heard he left.
                “No, he’s at his summer cottage for the season.”
                Daily- Is it true that Kharid has levied a toll restricting passage, and most of your retinue- including your personal guard- has vanished from the palace?
                “You’ve been talking to the head chef, haven't you..”
                Daily- Isn’t it a fact, Duke, that while everyone comes to see Lumbridge first, they seldom stay? That beneath your own palace window, every day, mobs of citizens brawl with one another?
                “I’ve never noticed that- but then, my window doesn’t face that way...”
                Daily- -and that no respectable businessman would even open a pub here?
                “That’s not true! There’s an axe shop-”
                Daily- Isn’t it true that the commoners who once came to learn blacksmithing no longer visit the Lumbridge furnace?
                “Those damn wealthy peasants...”
                Daily- What was that!? Whould you care to expand on that statement?
                “I was- I- don’t print that!”
                Daily- Are the palace coffers empty, Duke? Are you broke?
                “Um, how would you like a nice Dragon’s Breath Shield?”
                Daily- Are you trying to bribe me? I heard you bought those Dragon’s Breath Shields at auction and now you can barely give them away.
                “Now that’s a lie! People come from all corners of the kingdom for these shields!”
                Daily- Answer the question, Duke- what is the true condition of the town?
                “City.”
                Daily- Alright, ‘city’ then.
                “Well, let me say, as a representative of my lands, myself being part of the land really, and historically the land being part of me, as a descendent of the chosen king, and all things being equal-- let me say: I’m doing fine.”
                Daily- What?
                “I’m fine-- never been better, really.”
                Daily- Duke, how many guards do you employ?
                “Errm..”
                Daily- A hundred? A thousand?
                “I think the figure is relative to those numbers.”
                Daily- The figures I have here are an approximation of the number of guards you employ, and supply to Varrock and Lumbridge- I’ve calculated their daily wages, which is less than a [bear] fur trader makes, and compared that with your tax return for the last year, and the records kept in the palace library--
                “Well, the truth is we had a robbery.”
                Daily- What sort of robbery?
                “The thieving kind- 4 men in masks.”
                Daily- Masks?
                “Yes, Halloween masks.”
                Daily- Any idea who did it?
                “Oh yes, yes.”
                Daily- Yes?
                “Yes.”
                Daily- Would you care to tell readers of the 'Daily about that?
                “Oh, certainly- certainly not.”

 The following is abridged from the second interview I conducted after researching visiting the Varrock library ( famous for it’s bestiary, but weak on record keeping).
                I found that one of the robbers was an infamous layabout from within the palace walls, a fellow well known for all the lesser faults in great quantity; another perpetrator was apparently the man who does the Duke’s accounts, his constant satellite, one hard to miss when you visit that royal. The other two I could find no information on, if they even existed.
                I took up the conversation well armed with facts and innuendo.

               Daily- Explain to me about this burglary of the palace.
                “Well really it wasn’t so much a robbery as a fiscal shortcoming.”
                Daily- Could you explain that… radical subtlety of difference?
                “Yes, most of bits of it. Due to a lack of that gold which is normally allocated to certain aspects and functions of the routine management of the kingdom, it was discovered that there were grounds to mark a serious deficiency in the ratios of liquid capital to solid funds.”
                Daily- What sort of deficiency?
                “Oh, an elemental one. Further, the routine management of said funds for the last fiscal quarter and indeed the per annum - working on the presupposed presumption- well, anyone with perspicacity could perceive that there was serious shortcoming, naturally!”
                Daily- .......
                “The problem was that we actually had the said funds needed for our said and unspoken needs, and then word went out around the palace of the problem, so, there you are really...”
                Daily- So the problem wasn’t of funds but of… of allocation?
                “Precisely! The authority to allocate funds lays with the king, not I, despite that fact that said funds are under the collection, and within the management, and distribution of my powers and my jurisdiction! And so they are, in letter-- but in word, truly my unspoken duty is to my people and the kingdom.”
                Daily- So, that was how you came to rob yourself?
                “Indeed, no. But by law, yes.”
                Daily- Yes. Do you have any heirs, duke?
                “Oh I won’t be stepping down for a while. I’ve done nothing wrong.”
                Daily- No?
                “I am not a crook.”
                Daily- Well.. Thank you for your time, I don’t think this is the last time this topic will come up- I’m sure I’ll see you again.
                “Not if I see you first.”
                Daily- Whatever.
 

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