Written and posted Oct 2003. Although taxidermy wasn't on my Jagex to-do list, I'm happy to see dismembered animals are now commonly used as decoration in RS2. Look closely and you can see that bear which killed me when I was lvl 5.

Evicted!

from  Chapter Four of The Journal of Redrum Frank
 

               It was a pleasant, sunny day- or possibly overcast- or night- that I found myself strolling happily through Falador, humming a merry tune. I’d completed my first articles for the Varrock Slaughter Daily, starting with my triumphant front page expose, following with two interviews and an article. I had every reason to be proud, and I admit I typed a merry tune as I strolled. Yes, I was felicitous as all hell that day. That when the pker of fate took a whack at me.
                When I returned home to my flat, the shopkeeper I rented from was waiting for me.
                “Frank-”
                “Hello Sally! What’s up?”
                “Errm, Frank, I need to talk to you.”
                “Take a seat.”
                “I prefer to stand-”
                “Funny,” I chuckled “I don’t think I’ve ever used these chairs myself. What did you want to talk about?”
                Sally opened his mouth and closed it a few times, looked around the room I’d decorated so nicely and at great expense.. There was the bearskin rug I had made in Draynor, a shield I’d bought at a museum auction; and a barrel that opened into a bar service (I’d paid 65k for it, the seller claimed it was made by gnomes). It was a little crowded with the sink there as well, but there was a guestroom to store things in. And there was a fancy cage for my toad, made by gnomes. Actually it was a frying pan, but as long as I didn’t heat it, it worked just the same.
                I loved my little home, and I was lucky to have it- the view over Falador was a dream come true, and on days that weren’t so dark I could almost see the ocean from one window. I’m sure anyone in the kingdom would have loved the place.
                Simon produced a letter from his apron and handed it to me. It was addressed to him and had a single line in it:
                ‘Terminate Redrum Frank’s lease’
                I laughed.
                “Sally, who wrote this? It’s a joke- someone wants the place to themselves!”
                “Look at the return address,” he said quietly.
                I turned the envelope over, closed the flap and saw the seal on the letter was a cog with a ‘J’ interwoven- my heart sank. It had come from the Al Kharid Palace, 2nd floor, Suite 1.
                “The RPDT themselves delivered it,” Simon frowned.
                “I thought they only operate in the Ardougnes.”
                “That’s what I thought too.”
                “So if they delivered it..” I thought out loud “Knowing them, this is probably a week late.”
                It started to add up- I’d interviewed Duke Horacio just over a week ago, and he had not been made happy by the encounter.
                “I’m sorry Frank, but what can I do? You know you’re not even supposed to have an apartment, not supposed to at all..”
                My temper was rising. I felt hot under the collar and redder than usual. I thought of asking Cassie to send a telegram to Lord Capulet, I knew she would do it because I kept mum about them; but I knew too, Capulet wouldn’t be able to do a thing. This order descended from far above all of us.
                “Well, can you give me a few hours Sally?”
                “Of course Frank, sure- I gotta get back downstairs now though.”
                “Yeah, sure.. I just need a few hours to… well, y’know.”
                “Sure, Frank.”
                I went to Varrock; and I had an idea apart from visiting the Blue Moon.
                I got to the general store as fast as my legs would carry me without running. At the general store I waited until the man in charge wasn’t busy to catch his eye.
                “Bert!” I hissed.
                “Frank?”
                “Yeah- listen, you know of any flats to let?”
                “Errm, well Frank, you know how that goes..”
                “I know I know, but-”
                A customer wandered in to spend a few minutes complaining about the price he was getting selling iron leg armor to Bert.
                “Why don’t you sell it to Horvick,” I interrupted.
                “Why don’t you shut up,” he suggested.
                “Can’t think of a reason to.”
                “Duel,” he commanded.
                “No, I don’t duel.”
                “Wimp.”
                “Any chickens around here?” I changed the subject.
                “Champs guild.”
                “Well, go get one and choke it.”
                He seemed unaffected, but he left.
                “Bert, listen- I need a place and fast! I have to get all my stuff out of Sally’s.”
                “Well, Frank..” he looked pained “I guess you could stay upstairs for a while, but.. If you do I can’t charge you, I can’t know anything about it.”
                “Sounds fine!”
                “And it can’t be for long.”
                “Oh..”
                “Also, people tend to come and go there a lot.. There’s no lock on the door, and there’s this knife in the corner that won’t go away, and people come in and take it all the time.”
                “I can’t have that! I’ll have to find something else.”
                “Ask Ernie at the Blue Moon- he’s got lots of space upstairs.”
                I mumbled my thanks and went over there.
                Hops was in so I had a drink with him while I tried to gauge Ernie’s mood. He was a temperamental type, and catching him on the wrong day could be a very disagreeable experience.
                I told Hops my woes.
                “You know, I just met someone else with the same trouble,” Hops said, “and I told them I had a place to rent, but they couldn’t afford it alone.”
                “Really! Who? Is it a friend of yours? Do they have any bad habits? Do they snore? Do they pk?”
                “Well,” Hops laughed “I don’t think they pk- and it is a friend of mine- of yours too.”
                “Who??”
                “Your brother.”
                I frowned at Hops.
                “It’s true, I saw him just a little while ago at my place.”
                “That summer place of yours? Past Rimmington? How many rooms is that?”
                “It’s a studio.”
                “I thought your friends were always using it.”
                “Well, a couple do sublet it, I use it too sometimes, since the Council raised taxes I can’t afford it myself, but… it’s leased.”
                “So how could I rent it too? Even supposing I was crazy enough to want to live with my brother.”
                “Well, it is pretty full around these parts, but where the council doesn’t apply, it’s completely empty!”
                “You mean.. living among non-citizens?”
                Ernie had been listening and broke in-
                “He means on a free server- we’re all just a computer game.”
                “Ernie,” Hops said gently, “you’re not helping, really.”
                I ordered a round for us and the bar.
                “Frank,” Hops said, “go talk to your brother- and then visit the place- visit it where it’s empty. “You know, it might be a good way for you and your brother to get to know each other more.” He tapped my glass with his own. “Cheers.”
                “Yeah,” I thought, “It might- cheers, Hops.”
                I abandoned the idea of getting my stuff out of my Fally apartment immediately and walked down to Sarim. I found my brother in his usual spot; we had a whistlewetter and discussed the possibility. It was the first time I remember we’d looked at each other not like brother looking at brother but as one fellow to another.
                “Why do you want to move, anyway?” I asked “I didn’t think you’d ever leave the ‘Anchor.”
                “That room upstairs is tiny. I’d still be here a lot though, with my- errm- importing business.”
                “Uh-huh.”
                “I wouldn’t be home a lot at all in fact.”
                “Yeah..” I said doubtfully.
                “Have you seen the place yet?”
                “Not really.”
                “Well let’s go look at it then”
                We ambled along there, Hops telling me all the way there how great the place was.
                When we got there I found out his description was all wrong- it was even better than he said!
                “Look at this!” I said “It has books already!”
                “The door doesn’t even squeak- so you wont be disturbed.”
                “I could get some real writing done on that deck! Maybe a novel!”
                “Yep. And we could have a stove and sink put in.”
                “Who needs it? We can cook outdoors- I can see a vegetable patch from here!”
                “Yeah and there is a well in Rimmington.”
                “In the summer we could sleep outside! Or on the deck!”
                “Great view, isn’t it?”
                “And a garden-!”
                “You want to rent it then?”
                “I don’t see why not! It’s far from the beaten track too, far from Lumbridge…” I thought of the Duke and his machinations.
                It fell out that we did rent the place the very day; my belongings and my toad were moved at some expense, and Hops had a few crates shipped over which he promptly hid. I had a bed in one corner by the bookcase, and Hops bivouacked be the deck door, swearing that my typing would not disturb him.
                We threw a small party at the end of the week; James Cagney was there, and Lunalady, and King Tengu, and Ned stopped by; some of the Blue Moon regulars came of course, wizard Trailborn crashed it, and 12th Monk couldn’t make it. I got to play bartender and that night Hops decided to sleep in some flowers outside.
                I didn’t get to that novel, and haven’t yet, but it was on that little porch overlooking the ocean that I first started to sort my recent memories and piles of notes into some shape and began thinking of it as a journal-- this journal.
 

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