A tale of RS2. Thanks to King Tengu for an evil idea about Rometti and all those gnome children!

    From the Journal of Redrum Frank, Chapter 5

                                                      Confessions of a Fletcher

                                                        One         

 
            It had been my dream for a while to raise myself in the ancient art of herblaw (herblore as the kids call it nowadays) for quite a while. I consider the mixing of potions in careful amounts, the delicate measuring of finely ground ingredients, to be a fine pass of time, a worthy pursuit; as it can improve the mind, as well as aid in battle.
            But, it took so damn long that I took up fletching instead.
            It was in the pursuit of fletching-- that other ancient art, involving the hewing of fine timbers judiciously, the careful application of delicately treated feathers-- that I fell into a shady business.. and discovered a terrible secret about the new western territories.
            The trouble of course with fletching isn't the lack of trees- it isn't the lack of knives, either. Flax too, is in abundance; and I have spun enough flax to floss all the hippopotami, alligators, or lawyers there ever were, back to the first quarter of the second half of the third century. No, it isn't any of these things we are lacking in today's modern kingdom.
            It is the feathers, my fine fletching friends-- therein lies the difficulty. And it was this difficulty that aided me in going wrong!
            There are only so many feathers to be bought in Sarim; and only so many more to be bought at the Shantay pass (my favorite spot for feathers). I couldn’t get into the fishing guild, but sometimes in desperation I used to hang around the door, begging people to buy for me. They knew I was under 68, not level enough to buy myself, and always refused.
            So in my lust for chicken plumage I ventured where no true citizen should go-- among the non-citizens, for whom there was no fletching, or herblaw, or even herblore.
            It was a simple enough thing to do, and I did it- though each time I journeyed to that domain, it was with foreboding! I knew somehow that I would be better off on back among the citizens... I knew it as clearly as if it had been written before my eyes- in white lettering-- on a black panel-- that you have to click to close.
            Still, I went there- and what's more, I did so regularly, and very thoroughly; so much so that I found myself no longer just an avid Fletcher-- I'd become an International Feather Smuggler.
            Certain arcane and eldritch manuscripts of old speak of the nature of possession; and of irresistible temptations, and the torments to the soul suffered by those who willingly digress from the path of right. And these tomes relate lessons to us all; very few speak of international feather smuggling however, so I was in the dark somewhat about that.
            My activities continues for some time, until I had enough feathers I estimated to stuff a regiment of pillows- then an entire army of pillows- armed with sturdy down comforters.
There were terrible days where I was certain I would be found out; an occasional swear not directed at me might make me start, guiltily- a random slur on someone's parentage, family line and general worth might make me jump. But the fear of being caught was nothing to the thrill of my crime!! If, indeed, it was a crime-  I was never so sure on that point.
            Then came a sad day in West Ardougne when I argued with myself, trying to convince me that the store in Shilo Village was too far a distance to go just for feathers... It was a bright busy day, with a snap in the air from a cool blue sky; the world went on around me: thieving, chopping, fishing, fighting, and leveling, as I stood around in torment like a cough drop.
            'Frank!'
            I was greeted and looked around- it was Epizygis, and I greeted him happily. I knew him from the newspaper occasionally, and from the Blue Moon Inn as well. He studied law, and I thought he'd be the one to ask if feather smuggling was a crime or not; he was the one who'd in the past convinced me to tone down a possibly slanderous article on that clot Reldo (the low-living lying villain who runs the Varrock library).
            'As your lawyer,' he had said, 'I advise you not to print that he is a 'low-life dishonest villian'. There are no libel laws in the kingdom, but there are penalties.'
            I was always intrigued a bit by law: 'So what's this advice going to cost me?'
            'Nothing, Frank'
            'Okay, so what do you mean there are no libel laws but there are penalties?'
            'If you print that,’ he elucidated, ‘Reldo's men are liable to beat you up.'
            'Oh, those penalties.'
            Today Epizygis asked me-
            'Say, you know the gnome village pretty well, don't you?'
            'Err, yes, why?'
            I did know it, but didn't like it much- and I could feel a request for a guide coming.
            'Well, how'd you like to help me out there?'
            'Doing what?'
            'An interesting case-- I don't know my way around, and it may get pretty hairy as well.’
            'Dangerous? Not in there! What's the case anyway?'
            'The cooking guild of Misthalin is being sued by the gnome sweets and confectioners union of Kandarin- my firm is handling negotiations.'
            'Which side are you on?'
            'We represent the Lollipop Guild.'
            'Always the underdog, eh?' I smiled
            Epizygis was a good fellow, and I agreed to help.
            After a stop at the bank we were off- north of the river we headed, I greeted the lady warriors as we passed.
            'I can't talk to them,' confessed Epizygis.
            'Why on earth not?'
            'I’m defending a client who pickpocketed one of them.'
            'Someone got sued for pickpocketing?' I was amazed.
            'The charge is one of improper behavior- but yeah, really all he was doing was pickpocketing.'
            My heart trembled a little to hear how wildly the scales of justice could wiggle along the fish of law in the pond of life.
            I thought of my own downy passions.. would that be my fate? Someday to be condemned for my crime of international feather smuggling? If, as I wondered, it is a crime?
            'Epizygis, there’s a legal question I have that’s been troubling me--'
            We were nearly at the stronghold gates, and I was interrupted by a gnome in need who kept my codist busy.
            'Did you see that look she gave me?' Epizygis asked, as we passed by the guards.
            'No, what do you mean?'
            'I- I’m not sure.. it was a strange look, secretive- almost warning me.’
            'Ah, you’re imagining it' I suggested. ‘this place is as dull as a ditch, believe me.’
            'And why would she ask me to help her? There was nothing wrong with the cart I could see..' Epizygis scratched my beard, lost in reflection.
            The lollipop guild was northeast of the gnome agility course; we got lost a few times before we found the place, but there was always a guard to snap at us. I followed Epizygis as he met with the union representative, and adjourned to a hollow tree for the meeting.
            With gnomes, business is always a serious. They’d only recently avoided a war, when they almost started another- this time with the gnomes- by sending spies dressed as gnomeball players all the way to the Fally mines, and even Varrock, to gather information on the mining industry. Now they were taking on the venerable Cooking Guild's monopoly on chocolate cake.
            After the first hours I found an excuse to slip away and thought I’d take a walk, maybe harass some agility trainers.
            I was thinking the village seemed very quiet when someone echoed-
            'Is this it?'
            'Hmm? It’s usually a little livelier.'
            The fellow was obviously new.
            'Where do I get the robes?'
            'North, the Grand Tree- second floor, west door, then south.'
            'Thx.'
            'Np.'
            People always made the trip this far west to get the gnome clothes. He would go in wearing addy plate and a visored helmet with red feathers- he would come out dressed in a pink hoodie and blue baby booties.
            Instead of the agility course I wandered to a quiet spot by a river, a park scene if ever I saw- beginning with the beautiful view overlooking a stream, completed with a bench. It certainly was an oddly quiet day, and I was about to try the bench and my luck on a nap when suddenly a gnome child seemed to appear out of nowhere and ran smack into me.
            'Here now,' I appealed!
            'O please, help! Help! Don't let them get me!' the minute plea came with tears- the child was clearly scared out of whatever wits it might have had. It was a plea to soften the hardest heart, even delivered as it was in the cruelest high pitched scream of nails on a blackboard, which was a gnome child's natural voice.

                                                      Two         

            'What? Slow down- who's after for you? Calm down now- and whisper, for god's sake.'
            'Aha!' a hoarse squeak came from a nearby tree- looking, I thought I saw a sliver of light disappear where a stout gnome woman stood.
            'Come over here!' she shouted.
            'I will not!' I boomed back indignantly.
            'Not you, you idiot,' she screeched 'the girl- come over here, you!'
            'Who are you?' I demanded back.
            The gnome lady seemed surprised, and stayed where she was.
            'What do you want of this child?' I asked 'Who are you, anyway?'
            'You’d better give her over here- if you know what’s good for you!'
            'Broccoli and mountain hikes- but I will not give her over! Anyway, she’s gone now.'
            'No, you pie faced pumpkin, she's standing right behind you!' she screamed like a banshee on helium.
            'Is she? Oh, so she is! I didn’t see. Well, you’ll have to go though me to-'
            But when I looked back, the gnome woman had vanished.
            I guided the tyke to her home, where her parents thanked me but would explain nothing about what had happened. So I returned to the spot. I looked around that tree for while; I was certain I had seen something strange, and where had that woman disappeared to so suddenly?
            I found nothing at first, but looked around again- I was certain it hadn't been just my imagination. After all, I'm considered a pretty level-headed guy.
            I searched by the tree and eventually found it-- a small handle disguised as a short branch-- and being a decent thief, I got it open and stole my way in.
            The hallway was dark as a bat's bathroom and for a while I waited for my eyes to adjust. There was a sound far off somewhere, a sort of faint metallic tremor like nothing I‘d heard in any kingdom.
            A few steps led downward, stealthily I descended to exactly where I knew they would go: underground!
            It was a small open area, I couldn’t see the gnome woman and thought it was a dead end until in the dim I noticed the door. I had my dragon ammy and slipped it on just in case as I tiptoed forward.
            With a heavy creak the door opened slightly and a gnome stuck his head out.
            'Are you the one making all that noise out here?' he looked up at me crossly.
            Before I could answer he waved at me and opened the door further.
            'Well hurry up, come in here! I don't have all day,' the pip squeaked. And so I did.
            My unknown host busied himself with some sheets of paper while I looked around-- It was a good-sized hall fashioned as an office. A thick carpet of royal purple stretched from one end to the other, making an ornate desk look even more important. Behind the desk, some strange drawings pinned to the wall; and next to them some sort of strange statue without legs. There was a small door nearby labeled ‘PRIVATE’ that interested me greatly- the sound seemed to come from the other side.
            'Tsk, tsk, tsk.'
            My host was looking at me.
            'Is this what they send me nowadays? Tch! what am I, a simple ropemaker? Really!'
            He tossed me a pointed felt hat of the most vibrant color, and covered with a garish design.
            'I mean really!' he went on, 'Well, put this on anyway.'
            'You- you want me to wear this?' I repeated.
            'Today, please- while we're still small and agile.'
            I put the hat on.
            'Hmmm...' he squeaked. 'Do a spin'
            'What?'
            'O really, will you hurry up? And try this-"
            He handed me up a matching robe, trimmed with gray wolf fur and red flamebird feathers.
            'Errm, you want me to put this on?'
            'Why, is there something wrong with my designs?' he narrowed his eyes.
            'O, I don't know,' I admitted.
            'No, you wouldn't,' he agreed, 'which is why you are where you are, and I am where I am!' he screamed, ‘The new line is going out in days- so will you put this on and try to be a little more professional?'
            Just then the door marked Private opened and the gnome lady appeared again.
            'You!' she shrieked, and vaulted the most amazing leap- from the doorway clear over the desk and at my throat.
            'Look out for the hat!' the other shrieked.

                                                      Three         

            I may have been caught off guard, or tripped on the long robe I was wearing, but really I think what knocked me over was the crazed gnome leaping at my throat. We both fell and separated, I stood up to see the other disappearing through the private door and leapt after him as it closed--
            The door locked behind me and I was in another hallway, that sound much louder now- like a thousand toy trains running around their tracks. A gnome guard ran toward me armed with an iron sword.
            'Intruder!' he squealed.
            'Right,' I agreed.
            He swung at me with a fierce squeak: 'I have you!'
            'Wrong,' I took the measly blade from him as it came, and knocked him on his backside.
            Down the hall I went toward that sound- it was louder than ever.
            Then I rounded a corner and saw- and was frozen by the sight. An enormous hall full of gnome children- sorting fabric, assembling buttons, steaming hats; and that sound: dozens more of them working chattering sewing machines at full speed, churning rich fabrics into expensive clothes for the wealthy of Ardougne and beyond, while they themselves were dressed in rags! At one end was a slop table for their miserable meals and around them up where I stood a balcony littered with guards.
            'Faster!' a guard screamed down at the children.
            That shook me into action- I strolled over to the guard.
            'Who are you? what do you want?' he demanded. I answered him the same way twice, sending him down to the floor below. From the other end of the walk I was spotted and I noticed guards running toward me.
            'Ha!' I said when I saw-- and defended myself with a fighting style known in the kingdom as 'This Will be the Last Thing You Ever See'.
            When the final guard fell onto the slop table below I heard- silence. All the sewing machines had stopped, and dozens of miniscule green gnome faces looked up at me like a bowl of peas. I was about to tell them they could all leave, or say something heroic, when a great cheer went up from the gnome children, as deafening and shrill as a thousand cats in an infinite alley on a summer night without end.
            I blacked out.
            When I awoke I found I was laying in a hammock- Epizygis was looking down at me.
            I felt quite thick-headed and realized my ears were stuffed with cotton. They hurt like the devil.
            '                ,      ?' asked Epizygis.
            'What?' I said.
            'Your hearing should be fine in a day or two,’ he shouted back.
            'Oh..' I groaned, ‘Okay. Where am I?’
            'The Lollipop Guild. King Narod was here, too,' Epizygis bellowed quietly in my face 'he wanted to thank you.'
            'Oh?'
            'We won’t be seeing Rometti for a long, long time I think.'
            'That’s a relief.' I felt quite dizzy.
            'And King Lathas has heard too, I believe he told His Majesty Roald, who is sending some men.'
            'Roald’s men?'
            Epizygis nodded.
            'Roald's men coming here? Will you help me, Epizygis?'
            He looked confused.
            'Tell me you'll help me, please-- I’ll give all the feathers back! I couldn’t help myself, I swear! I never scammed anyone-'
            'What are you talking about?'
            And then I told him about my fletching, and the whole story came spilling out, and I felt much better for telling it.
            And then Epizygis told me I hadn’t committed any crimes with my ‘feather smuggling’, and told the story of how King Roald was sending some men to award me the Golden Cabbage for Outstanding Charitable Doings (the GCFOCD). And I felt quite foolish, and my ears still hurt.
            'I think the children would say their thanks, too,' Epizygis continued.
            'The children!' I whimpered and clutched at my bandaged ears 'Say their thanks? Are they here? Swear to me you won’t let them in-!'
            A small group of gnome children appeared and approached. I gripped the ropes of the hammock and braced myself for their thanks-
            The one in front handed me a piece of paper:
            'Thank you Redrum!' it said.
            'Oh', I smiled back in relief, 'Really, no problem at all.'

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